The Good Girl

My first foray into writing was for Delayed Reaction Lounge. It was in response to an early posting (He Said, She Said). The author asked women "Why must we men take the initiative? What's wrong with asking for yourself? Is it such a big deal to ask sometimes?" I found these questions very interesting and it got me thinking. I know the answer in my case. Yes, it's a VERY big deal. There have been many, many times I have not asked for things I want. I tell people not to bother when in reality I do want them to bother. I think by not asking for what I really want, I'm doing the right thing. I'm not making trouble for anyone. I don't make waves. I'm a good girl.

It's a common aliment, putting others first and yourself last. I also suffer from the inability to say "no." Even though that's what I really want to say, somewhere between my brain and my mouth the word transforms into "yes." At times I'm even surprised how easily that happens. I feel as if I have to be accommodating, almost feel driven to be. I don't want to reject the other person by saying "no." That would be the wrong thing to do, say "no." If I was a good person, I wouldn't turn anyone down. Does that come from my own fear of rejection? Probably. That someone won't find my needs important enough is a scary thought. The solution? I can't be rejected if I don't ask.

What am I hoping to gain by being a good girl? Eventually, I expect my sacrifices to be rewarded. For people to treat me well and do the things I haven't told them I want. Yes, I see there is an oblivious flaw to my thinking. It doesn't work, yet I find myself doing it often. Please no one remind me what the definition of insanity is.

Perhaps it starts when we are little girls. We are seeking approval and validation from the adults around us. For me it hasn't stopped. A few months ago my daughter's teacher set something off inside me when she described her as "eager to please." I had an instant negative reaction to her words. My immediate thought was I didn't want my daughter to grow up and be like me. I realized her teacher was merely praising her and had no idea how loaded that simple comment was to me. It went right to this basic issue I have struggled with. Feeling that pressure to please others at whatever cost to myself.

It's not an easy thing to escape from. I remember once giving a friend advice when she confided in me that she found herself doing things for members of her family that she often didn't want to do. I told her that next time she had to first ask herself if doing those things made her happy. If the answer was yes, then to go ahead and do them. However, if the answer was no, then be honest and decline. Actually say "no." No one else was worrying if they were taking advantage or imposing. If she didn't say what she really felt, she would find herself in the same situation over and over again. She had to take the chance that they wouldn't like it at first. She had to let that be okay even when it made her uncomfortable. Eventually, it got easier to say "no" and not feel guilty about it.

Now onto the hard work of following my own advice. Try to do what may seem so simple to some. To ask for the help I need. To ask for something I want. To make it less of a big deal. To say "no" if that's what I honestly feel.

Pleased to meet you, readers. Hope you guessed my name.
The Good Girl